Now, I’m not a parent yet, but my partner and I are starting to turn our thoughts towards creati🃏ng one of these ‘child’ things we’ve heard so much about. Apparently, they’re just like adults, but shorter, and haven’t had their spirits broken by the nature of real life yet. It sounds like something we want to be a part of.
As with all parents-to-be, I’m a little concerned about what the future’s going to hold for my hypothetical children. I was born right at the close of the 80s, and as a 90s child, I’ve seen a whole heckola of a lot of change. My childhood was all about wholesome toys and games; drawing, building with blocks and playing outside (remember outside? That was what we had before the internet was♐ invented).
These days, the average toddler will happily grab a smartphone and flip through your gallery or start up an app like they’ve been doing it their w𓃲hole lives. Do you know why that is? Because they have, that’s why. I don’t know about you, friends, but I have mixed feelings about this whole situation.
Good ol’ faꦫshioned toys like teddy bears and LEGO bricks do still exist, granted. It’s just becoming increasingly about buzzing, bleeping, interactive and internet-functionality-enabled technology.
Not that the toys from our childhoods are entirely innocent. Some of those things were dangerous, ridiculous or just plain awful. Let’s take a look back at ♔some of the worst children’s toys ever, along with some that are still as great as they ever were.
29 WORST: Tamagotchi — STOP BEEPING!
Speaking of toys that beep and flash far too darn much, we’ve had those for a long time. Back in the day, the Tamagotchi was the king of that. The poster child of the v൩irtual pet craze of the 90s, it would display a simplistic and pixelated image of an animal on 🔜its LCD screen.
It would move around, poop, sleep, get bored and hungry, just like a real pet. It would 𒐪also, of course, beep incessantly at you in a bid to get you to tend to its needs. In my experience, the novelty quickly wore off.
28 WORST: Mousetrap — Prep Time: Seventeen Years
Now, don’t go runn💯ing off with the false impression that I’m just Mousetrap-bashing for no reason. The truth is, I thought this boardgame was fantastic, and the whole concept was truly creative. As a child, I wasn’t really a fan of these things generally, but the idea of Mousetrap and its elaborate plastic ‘trap’ seemed super fun.
The idea did, at any rate. Sadly, the reality was a little different. The whole thing was super time-consuming and fiddly to put💮 together. A꧒nd then there was always one crucial little part that you’d lost, but you wouldn’t realise that until a half-hour into the whole process.
27 STILL AWESOME: The Yo-Yo — You Spin Me Right Round, Baby, Right Round
I don’t know if this is more of a British thing, but just before I went int🐬o high schoo𓃲l, the yo-yo made one holy heckola of a comeback. One of the most classic toys of all time, this is something that health and safety regulations would probably never allow within twenty miles of a schoolyard now. In my experience, anyway.
It’s funny how these things make a resurgence. The 90s yo-yo trend may have been short-lived, but it’s a fun and surprisingly technical ▨toy that deserved to make a return. I hope it does again. Some of th⛎ose tricks are still firmly engrained in my mind.
26 WORST: The Furby — Cute? *CUTE*!?
Again, don’t @ me on this one. I can see the appeal of the Furby, I really can. Back in 1998, when Tiger Electronics fꦫirst unleashed this little thing on the world, it was a bit of a technical marvel.
It had facial expressions, and was even programmed to start replacing its native ‘Furbish’ with English words, like a horrific hairy ‘child’ that was learning toﷺ talk.
Granted, this is all impressive stuff, but 🔥the dang things gave me nightmares. It’s been used in a few horror games ꧙since, and I do not appreciate it at all.
25 WORST: Pogs — Excuse Me While I Get My ‘Slammer’
In Britain, where I grew up, this odd game was named Pogs, but that may be different elsewhere. You might know it as milk caps, and it seems to be much, much older than it seems. It was popularised in the mid-to-late 90s, but according to , it may date back all the way to the 13th Centur💞y, in the form of an old Japanese card game named Menko.
The concept is simple: you have your regular cardboard playing Pogs, arranged in a face-down stack. You strike them with your plastic ‘Slammer,’ and any Pogs that you manage to f𝓡lip face-up become yours. Those that remain face-down are reset for the next player.
As simple as the game is, it can all get very, very heated. Man, did I have som🐻e bad experiences with this one.
24 STILL AWESOME: Buckaroo! — Pure, Simple, Rage-Fuelled Fun
As much as I enjoyed the whole concept of Mousetrap, sometimes you way to play a board game that doesn’t requ🐟ire abut six months’ preparation. In that case, it’s time to bust out Buckaroo!
The ‘board’ consists of a plastic, articulated mule, which you set into a standing position before starting each game. The objective is to load the mule with various pla🌼stic items, which weight it down each 𓄧time, without being the one to make the darn thing buck.
It’s simple yet surprisingly strategic and tense, with plenty of potential to mess with your opponents anᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚ𒀱ᩚᩚᩚd make the entire family hate each other. What more could you ask for from a board game?
23 WORST: Nerf Guns — A Trip To Hurt Waiting To Happen
I can totally appreciate that the lingering threaꦐt of physical aggression is just a natural consequence of playing any board game. I love you and all, grandma, but I will roundhouse kick you in the dentures if you make it to the goal square before me. Again.
With that said, a toy designed around the whole idea is bound to be a little controversial. Still, that’s Nerf guns for you. They’re harmless enough, with their foa♔m darts, but you’ve still got to be pretty darn responsible with them. They sure can smart.
22 WORST: Pokémon Cards — A Thriving Black Market
Speaking of controversial playthings💫, Pokémon cards were 💖a hot topic in schools around the world back in the 90s. My high school, like many others, banned them entirely, such was their impact. Naturally, the only effect this had was to encourage a thriving black market.
Remember Resident Evil 4’s "whaddaya buyin’" merchant? It was just like that, onl🎃y with holo Hitmonchan cards and Fire energy instead of rocket launchers.
My school wasn’t big on actually playing the TCG, funnily enough, but colleꩵcting the cards consum𓆉ed all of our time. Which probably explains a lot, when I think about it.
21 STILL AWESOME: Jump Rope — The Very Last Word In Classic Toys
When it comes to vintage toys, nothing can touch the jump rope. It’s been a schoolyard-dominating mainstay for decades on end, and it’s 𓃲never likely to go anywhere.
It’s fun, it gets you active, it’s used to train everyone from preteen dancers to boxers. What’s not to like about this one? There’s no more wholesome image than schoolchildren engaged in a jump rope chant (except perhaps in the case of A Nightmare on Elm Street). The whole concept brings back terrible memories of that darn jump rope minigame from Final Fantasy IX, but I can’t blame the toy itself for that.
20 WORST: Whip ‘N Skip — You Could Take Someones... Ankle Out With That
Great vintage toy that t♎he jump rope was, it was still the cause of many a childhood injury. What with trips, bruises, sprains and whip-related 🎐incidents (jump ropes can go darn fast when you get into it, as we all know), you’ve got to be darn careful with them.
The Whip N’ Skip took that ball and ran it to the end zone. Or to the emerg🌞ency room. The 90s📖 spawned this intriguing device, an ankle-mounted jump rope that needed even greater co-ordination and care to use effectively. Just looking at this thing scares me.