Hi, I’m a stupid person who gets mad at video game review scores! You might know me from my normal, not-a-red-flag internet comments over the years including hits like, “168澳洲幸运5开奖网:T𒀰his game characte💝r doesn’t look hot enough”, “I didn’t give this franchise permission to change,” and my masterpiece, 168澳洲幸运5开奖网:“Zelda? More like CEL-da!” We were so mad about Wind Waker that we said we’d never play the series again! And did any of uꦦs learn anything? Of course not. That’s why me and everyone like me are now yelling at real human beings who didn’t completely li🌠ke a game we were excited about. They liked it! But ooooohhhh not enough!
You see, when I’m excited about a game, that means the game is going to be good. That’s it! As the only sentient person on Earth, I’ve come to understand that my tastes and my tastes alone are the ba🍸seline for everyone. And because I’ve structured my personality around what I watch and play, anyone who disagrees with me is doing a 9/11 multiplie✃d by Pearl Harbor.
Everyone knows this. I have over three dozen social media accounts that spam every pop media news site with my feelings on how the industry should be run. Crackerjack observations like, “This company should use a new game engine.” Do I know what a game engine is or does? No! Why would I? I watched half of a YouTubeꦯ video by a guy who’s never actually learned how games are made. He also has ex⭕tremely confident opinions on Japanese culture despite never having been to Japan nor even met a Japanese person in real life.
It’s just not okay that some things I want aren’t ♈worshipped by everyone. These ‘journalists’ should plan on giving video games a high score months before they’re released. Also, I don’t know the difference between game journalists and game critics, which somehow only makes me angrier at all of them. If I’m excited about a game, I expect those journalists to consider what I think is fun. Because I am th🤡e arbiter of reality, my opinions are objective truth. Giving a game a score lower than what I expected is breaking the commandment to not bear false witness.
Oh, and they’re also lying if they give a good score to a g⭕ame on a console I don’t own. Very important! They should know I don’t have that specific mass-produced system, so how dare they give any exclusive on that platform above a 7. To be absolutely clear, I’ll never play those exclusives, but I will have strong opinions as to why they’re not nearly as good as the games I will play. I’ll do this without any sense of i𝓰rony because I’m a pure blockhead who may have been told I’m special too many times.
It is literally impossible that a game reviewer might have minor issues with an otherwise enjoyable game. Games are only perfect or garbage. There is no middle ground in art. If they didn’t enjoy a single specific gameplay element, it’s🍨 because they are terrible people who didn&rsqu💃o;t care enough. There is no possibility that anything in a game I haven’t played yet is either wrong or undercooked. Unless - I want to reiterate - it’s a game made by those losers paid to give up their honor by working on a product for a competing, but nearly identical system.
Anyone who’s been to school knows that ♏an 8/10 is essentially an F and a 9/10 is an insult to corporations that I would die for if they asked me to. If a review liked everything but the user interface, 🅘it will become my full-time job to put together a furious PowerPoint presentation that somehow still proves the original opinion absolutely right. Oh, and if they criticize the story, you know I’m writing a long thread that both brings up and compares it to movies douchebags like when they’re 19.
And we all know that video game reviewers are paid o🐷ff to give games good or bad scores, right? I’ve never seen proof of this, but it sounds true to me. That’s why so many of them live with four roommates in a two-room apartment! If I had to guess how much a video game reviewer makes, I’d say - and maybe I’m underestimating - $750,000 a month? That’s probably correct. So my level of vitriol is absolutely commiserate with their sin of grading a game I wanted lower than I expected. Or higher.
You might think I’d come to understand that I’m specifiܫcally the problem here. But people like me are either 13 years old or completely broken. That’s why I need to reply to every one of a reviewer’s social media posts with “STOP SHILLING!” Sure, some of us get hit by life and realize that our opinions aren’t established facts that are being ignored in bad faith b𝓰y people online. But others like me get hit by life and turn into supervillains that feel personally attacked when a reboot of a video game series doesn’t put big boobs on a formerly pixelated character.
Anyway, thank you for listening to me. Remember: nobody with different opinions on how good a video game is should be allowed to live. Remember: my dumbass friends and I are the only ones who know what’s good. Remember: the other console is exclusively owned by sex pests and criminals. Okay? Reviewers need to stop writing their opinions and start writing mine. That’s the only way I’ll be𓆉 able to trust thꦿem again.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to posting the personal phone number of a Twitch streamer beca♒use I found out that she has a boyfriend in real life.
