The Antiques Roadshow has landed in sunny TheGamer today, and we've got some stories to tell. From horseshoe magnets to Moai statues, medieval swords to two-handed sigils, we've never seen an assembly of material culture quite like this one.
Sit back and relax with a cup of your favorite Sinistea. Read everything with a British accent, and pardon me for using such a blanket term for an island nation with at least 13 living dialects. I'm from America. I'm trained to believe everyone sounds like Michael Caine.
Early Morning
We've just finished setting up our booths, but the earliest of risers lined up like proud soldiers outside our gates before the sun approached the sky. Some brought their pets, like Rockruff and Yamper, but our strict company code mandates that they be left outside so as not to disrupt these delicate proceedings.
Ah, here we are. Our very first catch of the day, as it were. How are you today, ma'am? Oh, jolly good. That's excellent to hear. Now, what have you brought us? A sarcophagus? We're... we're starting this episode with a sarcophagus? I feel like this is some sort of ill omen, what do you think, ma'am? To bring a sarcophagus to our set here in beautiful TheGamer, right?
Oh, and she has a mask as well. What are they? A Yamask and Cofagrigus, I see. And the mask and sarcophagus are sacred? What do you mean, exactly, that in ancient times, Cofagrigus would seal humans inside themselves and turn them into mummies? Not literally, surely? OK, she claims this truly happened. Well, I can't say these are worth much except to vampires — sorry, bad joke. No, I don't believe you'll find more than 1,000 Pokemon Dollars, which is actually, no, it's not a lot. You can buy a few potions to cure your illness, the curse, from the coffin. OK, on your way, then.
Now, this lady, she has a pair of keys. She says these are very valuable, that they're Klefki. No, I'm sorry, these are just keys, they're not really... No, I can't speak to your family's history but they're not — no, ma'am, they're worth a handful of Pokemon Dollars, that's a few cents, really. I'm terribly sorry. On you go.
She's not leaving, why is she? Oh, I see, she has, she also has some sort of... a what now? A Comfey? No, I suspect you were gifted this at Mardi Gras, it's next to worthless. Go ahead and leave, that's a good one, thank you.
Here's a — dear lord, this fellow's gone and brought a massive naval anchor attached to a wheel. Where did you find this? He says he found this Dhelmise. Oh goodness, why does it have one eye, rather than, you know, zero eyes? He says he found this approximately ten miles offshore. Well, I must say, this is quite the thing, isn't it? But it's in terrible condition. It's rusted. I don't know, I would suggest donating it to a museum, and barring that, bring it to a pawn shop, that ought to be funny. Go on, then.
We're closing off these early morning hours, although it appears the hired help has gathered to collect the trash and such. Wait, one of them is approaching me. Oh dear, I can't be seen on camera with a mere employee, I — you what? You've brought two trash bags for appraisal? Trubbish and Garbodor? Sir, these are, I mean, I literally, I just said it, these are trash bags, they're garbage. No, they're actual garbage. Please, sir. Please, just leave, thank you.
Oh, for heaven's sake, here comes another, and she's got even more garbage. Ma'am, your garbage is dripping all over the floor. We can't be having this. Please, please, clean this up. What? Grimer and Muk? These are puddles of, like, toxic waste. This is still actual garbage, why are you doing this? Why are you doing this to me in particular? I'm not appraising this, I'm actually going to, after this episode, after the show is done being taped, I'm going to find your manager, you're fired.
Late Morning
All right, then. We're back, it's about half-past ten in the morning here in TheGamer now. We had a rowdy first few hours, didn't we? I think things are going to calm down now. People will begin to realize that you need to bring real antiques to the Antiques Roadshow, it's sort of in the name, isn't it?
So, magnets, you say? Are they from, like, a certain century, an earlier century? These magnets are attached to balls with screws... I don't understand? And this magnet, it's three instances of the first magnet, and then this other one, it's ovular, and it's using a pair of magnets kind of like hands?
Magnemite, she tells me, and Magneton, and finally Magnezone. This is honestly a rather nice collection of magnets. Is your child very gifted? Did they win the silver prize at the science fair? Go on, put them back on the fridge, they're more valuable as keepsakes.
Here we have, I suppose these are like ball-shaped Matryoshka dolls? Voltorb and Electrode, you say? The balls, when you open them each up, they do what now? I'm just going to go ahead and have a look inside. No, really sir, it's quite all right, I have very delicate hands. I'm going to take a peek at what's inside the...
Day Two, Early Morning
Right, so we actually had to pause filming after the Voltorb incident and the suspect has been arrested for bringing deadly weapons into our tidy campgrounds in TheGamer. I'm quite fine by the way, I'm nicely patched up, but the ball exploded, and I suffered some unfortunate skin injuries. Good job Nurse Jenny is part of the crew. I'm bandaged up now, I look a bit like the mummy, right? I guess that sarcophagus really was bad luck. Ok, om we go, no time to waste.
What do you mean you don't know what this is? Sir, neither do I, I'm afraid. It's completely Unown to me. Good heavens, why do you have 28 of the things? And they're all fairly unique, like letters and such. Well, these are surely a collector's item. But I don't know what sort of collector's item they could be. That rather puts a damper on the whole proceeding, I'm sorry. I would buy them off of you for about 1,000 Pokemon Dollars, which, no, isn't much at all. Maybe these can come with fast food meal items portioned for children or something. Go talk to McDonald's, we're not going to continue this conversation, off you go.
Excuse me, how big is this box of yours sir? Right, I thought so, it's at least ten feet wide. You have a great deal to share with me, I see. First up, some metal? Some precious metals, I suppose. Klink, Klang, and Klinklang. Well, oh! I see now, these are gears. Like Industrial Era gears, right? Marvelous, much more impressive than magnets. I'm not sure, I think you could actually fetch about 5,000 Pokemon Dollars, which is enough to eat at least two meals in Kalos, three if you're a spendthrift. Good start.
What's next? Oh, well this is grisly. What is it? A Shedinja, you say. Wait, it's the shedding of an insect? I'm sorry, this touched the gears? Those gears, they're worth far less now, 500 Pokemon Dollars, guilty by association. This isn't some sort of collegiate entomologist meeting, I don't care what else you've got in that box, I need you to leave now. No, I don't care that you have... oh, is that ice cream? OK, well, ice cream is my favorite. You could hypothetically buy more time on the air by giving that to me.
Vanillite, Vanillish, Vanilluxe. Why do you want me to appraise your ice cream? I don't know. Sir, I tell you, I don't know. The smallest one, I suppose it's the cheapest. The largest is the most expensive, right? A few hundred Pokemon Dollars.
Briefly breaking the fourth wall here, if you haven't noticed already, Pokemon Dollars don't correspond well with actual real-world currency, 500 Pokemon Dollars is like five bucks at the grocery store.
Sir, I will eat this, I ♕will not continu𒆙e to appraise it.
Turning around now, giving you all a lovely view of this busy early Sunday morning. The people of TheGamer, they're clearly eager, there are so many of them with such strange objects. Now, back to...
Day Two, Evening
It seems I was struck in the head by a Xurkitree. A humanoid mass of electrical wiring, I'm told. I didn't see it, I did not see the Xurkitree. I just felt it bashing the back of my skull. I'm told it sold for about 3,000 Pokemon Dollars. All for spare parts. I do intend to sue, naturally.
Carrying on. Oh, no, not again. Why, is there more metal? Why do the inhabitants of TheGamer — lovely city, can't get enough of it — why do they have so much metal? Oh, this one's a Melmetal, they say. This is nuts, this is just — no, I will not stand down — I'm telling you, this is literally nuts. It's just a giant hex nut stuck to a Gundam model. Look, I'll rip the hex nut right off, now it's a Meltan for all I care. I don't need to see your Bronzor, I care not for your Bronzong, so long. You aren't even getting pocket change for this.
Well. I've turned around again. What a fine pair of Moai statues, but they were desecrated, I see. Do you have children? Why else, then, did you give these Moai statues mustaches? Nosepass, Probopass? You can call them what you like. You stole these from Easter Island and attached facial hair to them like the ruffian you are. This isn't just unfunny, this is a genuine financial tragedy. You could have gotten millions on the black market. Now, this is just offensive. Obscene. Farewell. No, the exit's that way. Please take your mustachioed monoliths.
This next person appears to be dressed up as a witch. Are you a witch? She says she's a witch, a real witch. Well, a pleasure to meet you, witch. Are you aware you're at the Antiques Roadshow, not some sort of All Saints Day? Right, then. Show me what you've got. Oh, a puppet. Excuse me, she says it's a Shuppet. Well, as far as I'm concerned, it's a sock puppet. No, I don't want to see your... Ugh, fine, show me your bigger puppet. Your Banette. Frankly, this is just disturbing, please put these away, I'm not going to appraise these.
She's got more. A Baltoy and a Claydol, now. These are... made of clay? These might be worth something. I'm thinking Late Neolithic? Let me take a closer look. No, I'm not going to steal them, what sort of question is that? I'm going to appraise them. I think you have a real treasure here. I would estimate their value at approximately...
Day 37, Late Afternoon
I can't say what happened. I don't know. None of us know. One second, I was touching the witch's Claydol. The next, several weeks had passed, and the entire production staff awoke in a wheat field halfway across the planet. We've only just gotten back to TheGamer. We're keeping a lookout for that woman. We need answers.
Still, we are nothing if not professional, so back to the show. Our first client for today has a lovely chandelier. The purple is striking. This is Victorian, I trust? Chandelure. Some candles on the side, a matching set, Litwick and Lampent. This is darling, I must say, it's darling. We could be looking at 100,000 Pokemon...
Day 38, Early Morning
"Chandelure does not burn the flesh," I heard the client say as I fell into a daze. "It burns the spirit." Once again, I passed out. It's dawn again, and I am enjoying the brisk morning air. Back in the saddle, or so the Yankees say.
They've brought the whole family, I see. Lots of appliances. A washing machine, a refrigerator, a lawnmower. An electric fan? Even a microwave oven. Are these antiques, then? That's the show, you know, Antiques Roadshow. The Rotom family tells me they are, indeed, antiques. Well, I can tell by looking at them these appliances have seen better days. They also appear to have pairs of eyes. What is it with all these eyes? Look, I need a new air fryer. Do you have any antique air fryers? You don't? Kindly get lost, and return these to Amazon, maybe they're still under warranty. You've no business here.
This is much more like it. This woman and her daughter have brought in just a lovely set of blades. I can identify them just fine, thank you. Honedge, a fine piece. Doublade, a knight's sacred sword. Aegislash, the legendary sword of King Arthur, if I'm not mistaken. Replicas, all, no doubt? No, these are not sentient, madam. These are swords. I understand the words can blend together, being that they both start with the same letter. No, madam, I should think I would know if swords possessed consciousness. I'm not a fool.
Day 57, Midday
Well, for once in my life I was in fact mistaken. A singular error, however, shall not dissuade me from my duty. I've recovered from my flesh wounds. I did not expect the Aegislash to strike me of its own volition. Gross misconduct. My lawyer will be in touch.
No, no, no, no. Sigilyph? Get it away from me. I refuse to appraise this, it looks like it belongs inside a Cofagr🔯igus. This is how it all started. Leave me. Leave me alone or I shall resort to fisticuffs! Get out of he💦re!
All good. The trespasser has vacated the premises. Now, let's see. These massive golems, Golett and Golurk. You know what, I'm not even fazed anymore. I'm unfazed. Nothing in this terrible town can faze me. I'll give you two tickets to Disney World. There you go. No, we don't want the golems. You keep them, you just — that's good, keep moving. Enjoy your trip.
The keeper of the mustachioed monoliths has returned. Security, please stop this person, they've... rats, they're already here. They've spotted me and they've stolen Stonehenge. Sir, this is Stonehenge. You've gone and stolen Stonehenge, haven't you? No, not Stonjourner. Stonehenge. I don't even know what to say. Words elude me. I'm not paid enough for this. If you won't leave, I will. Good. Right, same exit as last time.
I can't be seen with these people.
Cryogonal, sure. Whatever you say. It's a big snowflake. You brought a big snowflake to the Antiques Roadshow. Go and make a wish or something. Whatever it is that children do with snowflakes. How am I supposed to know? No appraisal for you. Oh, you have more. Well, of course you have more. Bergmite and Avalugg. Holy Arceus, this is what's happening in Antarctica? Forget climate change, this little girl snapped a piece of glacier off all on her lonesome? We'll send you a money order. 1,000 Pokemon Dollars. Just... put it back where you found it.
Thank goodness, it's a giant pie. I haven't eaten in months. Ah, that tastes good. What? Appletun? I was supposed to appraise the pie? Look, I'll appraise it for you right now - it was good.
Day 57, Evening
I've encountered a Sinistea. Just what the doctor ordered. It's gone and washed down the Appletun. I think the cup it's in is a fake. It's not a real Sinistea cup. I know my teacups. Here, you can have this back. You want me to appraise it? It's not real. It's fake. It's not the antique. It's terrible. Good tea, though. Get out.
Sheesh. I — oh no, it's Polteageist. Something popped out of the pot. Please put that back. I'll give you whatever's in my wallet. Just... put it back. Thank you. The epitome of evil, these tea-dwelling fiends.
Why? Why? Why has this man wheeled in a cart filled with magma? Oh, it all makes sense now. "It's just Coalossal," he says. He's grabbing it by the molten rock. It's shaped like a person. It has eyeballs. What. Is with. The eyeballs. "There's a little Rolycoly and a sturdy Carkol in it for you if I can get at least 50,000 Pokemon Dollars." What is this, The Price is Right? I'm not purchasing your lava. No one on earth has any need for lava. Why do you own lava? No, it's rhetorical. Leave.
I hear bells. Is it closing time? Has my hour come 'round at last? May I sleep? No, it's Chingling and Chimecho, the elderly woman tells me. Because of course, she does. They're bells. Ma'am. They're just bells. It's OK. You can put them down. You're not Daenerys Targaryen. This isn't King's Landing. It's going to be all right. Just go home, now. Go home.
He's back. He's literally back. Moai Statue Stonehenge Guy is here for another crack at my loose grip on sanity. It's a tower. It's a towering tower. The man has dragged in a tower fit for a Renaissance-era castle. Stakitaka. Stack this someplace else. I have a few choice suggestions if you can't think up a spot. We don't appraise dwellings. We appraise antiques. And we don't service thieves.
I'm done. I'm finished. This whole thing has been hell. TheGamer is the weirdest place I've ever been. I need a vacation. I'm taking one.
Day 60, Afternoon at the Beach
Beat it, kid. Can't you see I'm resting? I don't care that you have a Sandygast. I don't know what a Sandygast even is. I've lost all meaning in life. I don't want to appraise it. You cannot make me appraise it.
Even if a gigantic sandcastle threatened to eat me alive right this instant, I would not appraise your stupid Sandygast.
Day 61, Early Morning
Reports have come in that a man was eaten yesterday by a gigantic sandcastle. Bystanders say the killer was a Pallosand, hungry after a spri﷽ngtime spent beneath the shoreline. We extend our deepest condolences to all those affected by this tragedy.
And now for the weather.