Everyone loves Mario. He's one of the most endearing and cherished video game characters of all time. There's just something pure about Nintendo's silly plumber man. He jumps, he flips, he takes mushrooms, he eats flowers, he screams "WAHOO!" at the top of his lungs as he crushes the skull of a Goomba beneath his feet, etc. He's the Mickey Mouse of video games and he'll live on forever𒊎.
But that's regular Mario. We're talking about LEGO Mario right now. ꦅAnd LEGO Mario is 🧜a goddamn nightmare.
Look How They Massacred My Plumber Boy!
LEGO and Super Mario a🃏re two of the most family-friendly properties you can find. What could be more wholesome than building blocks and bizarrely athletic Italian men? So combining the two should be a no-brainer. That's corporate synergy at its finest.
But what the hell is this hot mess?
That's not Mario. I don't know who that is! All I know is I want hi꧅m to stay away from my house.
There's just so much wrong with the LEGO interpretation of Mario. The square-shaped head. The way his mustache makes it look like he has buck teeth. His menacing eyes. The lower half that gives hꩲim a front butt. All of it! It's all bad!
How co✱uld a character as charming and cuddly as Mario be turned into this plastic gremlin? Look at the way he stares a🍎t you. He's not thinking about saving a princess. He's plotting your death. It's like LEGO created a horrible doppelganger that has nothing but malicious thoughts on its mind.
Come to think of it, not only does this ᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚᩚ𒀱ᩚᩚᩚnot look like 🅘Mario, it reminds me more of somebody else...
That's why this looks wrong! That's not Mario! That's just Wario👍 in disguise! The resemblance is uncanny. Either the artists over at LEGO got their characters mixed up and accidenta🍃lly created a line of LEGO Warios - which, to be honest, I wouldn't complain about that - or Wario has pulled the greatest con in video game-related building block history.
How do you mess things u꧅p this badly LEGO? You're worth like a bajillion dollars. You couldn't have spared one or two employees to do some research to make sure you didn't make Mario look this terrifying? At best, he's the spitting image of his creepy, greedy best frenemy. At worst, he looks like he's contemplating which kitchen utensil will be most꧃ efficient at disemboweling me. My only solace is that it'll be hard for him to pick up a knife with his weird little clippy hands.
Put This Back In The Box, Then Burn The Box
So thanks LEGO. You made m🔯e afraid of Mariꩵo. I didn't even think that was possible, but you guys worked some serious magic here. One can only imagine the trauma that some poor children will be inflicted with when they receive these hellish recreations of the formerly innocent and untainted plumber. From now on, I'll be sleeping with one eye open in case LEGO Mario ever comes for my soul.
Wait, did you hear that? Did someone whisper "let's-a go" in the distance? Oh god, I hear jumping. The jumping is coming from inside the house! THE JUMPING IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HO🅘USE!