My life has changed a lot in the past couple of years. One of the most significant changes I had to make was moving out of my apartment in Queens and back in with my parents on Long Island. As you would guess, moving back to the suburbs from the city was a significant adjustment. One of the biggest adjustments? Driving a car again. Yes, say what you want about NYC's janky subway system. Still, there is something wonderfully convenient about a mass transit network that runs 24/7. Rats and piss, be damned! Now I have to deal with getting cut off on the LIE (Long Island Expressway).

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In the shitty driver capital of the world, I really wish there were ways to improve the experience. Then I imagine, "Damn, driving would be infinitely better if it were more like 168澳洲幸运5开奖网:Mario Kart." Forget self-driving cars. I think it's time the auto industry took some notes from our pals on Rainbow Road.

10 Gliders

Adding a glider to cars makes perfect sense. For instance, God forbid you "Thelma And Louise" yourself off a cliff. Those airbags won't save you from an explosive grizzly death. And have you ever driven on a mountain in Utah? I have, and you won't know my fear until you're looking down at the world from hundreds of feet in the air, from the side of your car.

But if cars had gliders, you could safely land on the earth below! Okay, maybe the land wouldn't be completely smooth. There would definitely be some 'Sully landing over the Hudson' vibes. Still, that sounds so much better than dying. And if you happen to catch some coins on the way down, well, good for you!

9 🍨Zero Gravity Mode

Does zero gravity driving seem dangerous? Sure. But does it also seem cool as💟 hell? YEAH!

Zero gravity driving seems like the subsequent logical infrastructure development. After all, speaking from an American's perspective, we have too many freaking potholes. Like, it seems like a lost cause at this point. So, instead of repairing our current roads, it seems time to make new roads that defy the laws of physics.

Additionally, I love how hitting another car on an anti-gravity road causes no damage. Instead, both cars spin around and move a little faster. It's like the carts are dancin'! Honestly, I would take bumper buddy driving over road rage any day.

8 ൲ Item Pick-Ups

Listen, item pick-ups by themselves sound boring. Still, this mechanic is necessary. You can't have the following favorite Mario Kart mechanics without first picking them up from a mysterious box.

Is this an agent of chaos? Yeah. But, life's chaotic. Whatcha gonna do?

7 The Star

We all know someone who makes you grab the coat hanger on the side of your car. You know who I'm talking about: that driver that wakes you up from the passenger seat when they almost swerve into an oncoming truck. And the truth is, they're not drunk or impaired in any way. They're just bad drivers.

Well, we need to help🤡 these peꦫople out. If not for them, for the safety of the people driving with them. Time to swallow our disgust and give these dimwits a star.

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What's nice about stars is that they're like training wheels for drivers. You can still steer and control the car, but the star improves steering and prevents you from getting into accidents. Honestly, we could all use stars. They're like a step above airbags and the crush zone.

6 Boo

Imagine driving through bumper-to-bumper traffic and stealing people's money while being invisible. Doesn't that sound amazing!? Isn't this what driving should be!? Or am I just a petty criminal?

The one exception: only one person can use Boo at a time, and its effects are temporary. So, make sure you don't timeout your Boo power-up before attempting to drive through a pick-up truck. Cause, then I'm pretty sure you would crash into the pick-up truck.

5 Piranha Plant 🌟

I often wish to be a safe, defensive driver that respects ot👍hers on the road.

Then, other times꧙, I wish I could take my Audrey-II-like plant and fling cars across the highway.

Some people call that cruel. I call it karma.

4 Red Mushroom 🍃

In my opinion, everyone should not have a red mushroom. Think about it for a second. Do you really want to give the person who drives fifty mph down a residential street a pick-up that makes them faster? Believe me, your car insurance will thank you.

Still, we all know the drivers that desperately need a red mushroom. But, of course, I'm talking about drivers in the left lane of an expressway under the speed limit. Yeah. Those geniuses.

I don't know what convinces drivers to go under the speed limit in exponentially dangerous situations. Still, someone needs to give them that extra push. I think giving these drivers a red mushroom might do the trick. In fact, if you drive under the speed limit too often, using red mushrooms should be necessary to keep your license.

So let's give these snails a red mushroom, so we can all move like we have to get somewhere.

3 🐼 🍎 Blue Shell

I feel like the blue shell is one of the most controversial power-ups in Mario Kart. From a competitive perspective, the blue shell immediately impedes the first-place racer. This seems like an unfair punish🔴ment for high-skil♈led racing. Furthermore, the blue shell knocks out every car in its path to the first racer, so it causes a lot of damage.

However, the blue shell also holds the reputation of being the great equalizer. The blue shell gives less experienced racers a boost. This feature helps Mario Kart feel like a more accessible game. Also, the idea that anyone could win with the help of one blue s𝄹hell is rather exciting.

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So, how should the blue shell work in real life? After all, I can't deny the pick-up's effectiveness. So, I knew it had to be on this list.

We don't actually need a blue shell on the road. But perhaps we need it in other areas of life. We need the blue shell to become the great equalizer and heal our world from those who take more than their fair share and exploit everyone else.

Hey, maybe when someone amasses enough money to buy a social media network rather than feed the poor, we should yeet their spaceship with a blue shell. (Oh, relax. It's a joke!)

Like I😼 said, the blue shell is controversial and also a metaphor.

2 ﷺ Bu💦llet Bill

Unpopular opinion ahead! I'd prefer a Bullet Bill over a Blue Shell. Okay, so the blue shell slows down the first car. But Bullet Bill is a high-speed, invincible Uber that knocks out the competition on impact. So if I'm in tenth place, what is knocking out the first-place car doing for me? I'd much rather ride the Bill and get ahead. (Oh dear, am I undermining my capitalism metaphor? Am I just a terrible person? A hypocrite? Who am I?)

I guess I'm trying to say that I don't enjoy driving. I'd much rather have a sentient cannonball do the driving for me. Do I want to push cars into the meridian in the process? Of course not. But I mean, those power-up indicators are at the bottom of the screen for a reason. Like, look behind you. (Yeah. I'm the worst.)

1 𝔍 Bragging Rights

One significant mechanic from Mario Kart doesn't register until you play with other people. That mechanic is the ability to shove your victory in other people's faces. Yes, folks, the best part about Mario Kart is the friends we pissed off along the way. That's why I wish I could employ bragging rights while driving in real life.

For instance, how satisfying would it be if, after a driver cut you off, you could send them a message that says, "Hey, looks like you did all that and still didn't beat the red light! Sucks to suck, huh?"

Or what if you ribbed your family during a road trip after getting to the pit stop first after hours of driving. Imagine the gloating you could do. Well, I mean, I guess you can do that once they get there. But, man, how dark would this example get if they never showed up? So what happened to thi෴s hypothetical family? Damn, this got dark fast.

Nevermind. I guess we don't need bragging rights. We just need OnStar.

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