I love stupid mov💞ies, and my god is Night Teeth ever stupid. It tells the tale of two vampires, played by Lucy Fry and Debby Ryan, as they make their way through the city taking out vampire mob bosses and vampire hunters, breaking a centuries-old pact so their sect can hꩵold all the power. It’s like Saints Row, but with vampires, bad sex jokes, and the girl from Suite Life on Deck.
When I say bad sex jokes, I’m not kidding around. I love Diablo Coady, and I will defend The Babysitter movies. I love a bad sex joke. Night Teeth’s aren’t good bad, they’re bad bad, but that somehow makes them good. Look, I don’tꦛ make the rules. The girls say “give good blood” like it’s sexy, as if it’s a stand in for “give good head,” but it makes no sense, is never delivered with any irony, and lacks all the charm of the aforementioned Babysitter flicks, which it clearly wants to be.
Do you have any idea how impressive it is to try to be like The Babysitter and fall short? If I had to put it in video game terms, and I guess I do, given the name of the site, I’d say it’s like trying to ape 50 Cent: Blood on the Sand and makin♔g a glorious, spectacular mess of it.
Spoiꦛlers from here on out, but there’s not enough pl🍒ot to be spoiled. Is it spoiling a car crash to say it involves two cars crashing? These are questions for a more learned philosopher than I…
Anyway, at the centre of the story is Benny; his brother is a vampire hunter, and the girls initially mistake him for said brother. When they find out the truth, they decide to keep him alive, mainly so the movie can happen. Debby Ryan, despite being a murderous vampire, then falls in love with him based on a few small exchanges. He falls in love back, even though he has witnessed her rip people’s necks open. She’ဣs pretty, but that still feels like a red flag.
Are you ready for the best part? Despite having numerous chances to kill him, the girls keep Benny alive, eventually delivering him to their boss in daylight. You know, a famously dangerous time for vampires? So it proves when Benny uses his car’s auto-drive function to crash the car through a window, causing the sunli🌊ght to kill the bad vampires while Debby Ryan’s character, redeemed of any wrongdoing by kissing Benny that one time, stands in the shade. This all happens while Benny stands in front of the window with his arms outstretched, just waiting for the car to hit him, even though he’s the one in control of it. Bizarre.
As well as an obvious Babysitter inspiration, it’s like Drive meets The Lost Boys, so long as what you remember from Drive and The Lost Boys are 🃏slick visuals and nothing else. There’s none of Drive’s tension, none of The Lost Boys’ punk attitude, none of either film’s tight pacing. It’s less a homage to The Lost Boys and more a Halloween costume of it.
At one point, Sydney Sweeney and Megan Fox show up for a single scene, looking glamorous and then being killed. Why? Absolutely no idea. For some reason, they’re in every single trailer though, even those 20-second ones you get on Instagram. What’s even more confusing is while Lucy Fry is having the time of her life, and Debby Ryan is a solid romantic lead, Sweeney and Fox see𝔉m tailor-m🐟ade for the two lead roles.
If Netflix likes them so much, why not just cast them as the stars? Fry is obviously cheaper than Fox, but you’d think Ryan and Sweeney would command a similar rate. On top of that,while Ryan’s Disney Channel pedigree makes her more recognisable to the mainstream, Sweeney’s time in Eu꧟phoria, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood, and White Lotus make her a much hipper choice. That’s why a) she’s in all the IG trailers and b) she’d never say something as unhip as ‘much hipper’.
I don’t really mind this, of⭕ course. It all adds to the stupidity. It’s not a clever twist, like Drew Barrymore dying in the opening exchanges of Scream. It’s just stupid. One mega star (and horror movie cult darling) and one of the hottest new actresses in town, presented by the marketing as two of the big player🅺s, are killed off after a scene. We don’t even get a memorable death - they’re both buscrashed.
You can’t really judge a movie by its marketing, but the complete misuse of two st🦄ars, which in turn m💝akes Debby Ryan look miscast, adds to what makes Night Teeth so bad, and by that I mean so great.
It’s a terrible movie, and I can’t in good conscience recommend it. Thankfully, I can recommend it in bad conscience, and that’s exactly what I’m doing. If you’ve ever watched The Babysitter - or Zombieland, or Chastity Bites, or The Cotta🌺ge - and thought ‘the acting’s a little too good here’, ‘this makes too much sense’, or ‘what if this was less of a movie and more of a cocaine-fuelled ‘80s music video’, Night Teeth is the flick for you.