I was browsing the Pokemon Center like any normal, well-adjusted adult, and I came across the , a plushie modeled after the leek that Galarian Farfetch’d carries around to hit people with. It’s $34.99, it’s 40 inches long, and its one of the most upsetting things I’ve ever seen. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a snob. I’ve got a somewhat prolific 168澳洲幸运5开奖网:Umbreon collection that just keeps getting bigger every month, so I’m not opposed to Pokemon merch at all. I was the first person to 168澳洲幸运5开奖网:defend the $400 Lucario plushie last year, after all. But that leek…there’s something about it that makes me uneasy. I&r♐squo;ve got a lot of questions, and I’m afraid to find out the an▨swers.
Let’s get this out of the way right off the bat: it looks like a crooked dick. Every long and cylindrical object is somewhat phalic, of course, but look at the little fleshy patch at the end of it and tell me it doesn't look like an uncut hog. Am I the only one seeing this? It’s clearly a broken penis, severed at one end and bent in the middle. The severed end is fraying apart and green like rotten flesh. It’s a diseased, festering, misshapen, 40-inch phallus. I feel like Roddy Piper in Carpenter’s They Live running down the street with the magic sunglasses trying to warn everyone about unrestrained capitalism. It’s a penis, I tell you! A PENIS!
Phew, sorry, I’m not sure what happened there. Back to the leek, you’ll notice it has a Galarian Farfetch’d embroidered into the base. The Pokemon is holding a leek, which we’re meant to under✃stand as being the same leek. It’s called the Galarian Ferfetch’d Leek, after all. This can only mean one thing: the leek Farfetch’d hold is embroidered with a picture of Farfetch’d holding a leek embroidered with a picture of Farfetch’d holding a leek embroidered with Farfetch’d holding a leek embroidered with… you get the idea. The leek is a recursive paradox. It has no beginning or end. It’s just a representation of an imaginary object stuck in an endless loop. If the severed penis thing didn’t make you uneasy, that should have done the job.
Looking at the reviews, it seems evident that the leek has a strange, almost supernatural hold over people. The top review from Kiwi K. reads “Why did I buy a 40 inch leek? Never thought I’d buy a 40-inch giant leek plush, but here we are.” Another one from Ashley C. says “Bought again and will buy another. #LeekDaddy #Fatherof3.” Enrique R. says “It’s what you want, and it’s what you get.” There’s something fucked up going on here, I’m sure of it. Why are people buying them? Why do they keep buying more and more of them? What is a Leek Daddy, exactly? I feel like I’ve stumbled into some kind of Lovecraftian plot to open a dimensional rift between our world and the Beyond via mass distribution of a cursed leek stuffy. In his house at Motostoke, dead Farfetch’d waits dreaming. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Farfetch’d R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn.
So anyway, I bought the leek. It just feels like I needed it, you know? I might order one for all my nieces and nephews too. It’s what you want, and it’s what yo💯u get.
