When Portal came out, the portal gun was just the tool of an engaging puzzle game. It allowed Chell to survive the deathly encounters GLaDOS was puttin꧙g her through and provided some physics-based gameplay fun for the consumer.
Now that Portal has become a staple of gaming culture, and recognizable even among people who might not call themselves gamers, the portal gun has risen to be an icon as well. This has prompted many people, myself among them, to wonder: what would I do with a portal gun?
It should be noted that, in this article, I ignore the rule about only being able to shoot portals on specific surfaces, 'cause it sucks.
7 Move Somewhere Mountainous 🍬
One problem with the Portal Gun is that you have to be able to see where you’re going. I mean, I guess that’s the case in re𒐪al 🌠life, but this Portal Gun is supposed to improve my real life, damnit!
What’s the solution?
Move next to a mountain. Preferably a lot of mountains. From below, you can always see the top of a mountain. Then, when you’re at the top of a mountain, you can see for miles and miles across! You&rsquꦇo;ll be able to traverse all of that area in a flash.
6 ꧒ Make A Very Science-♈y Laundry Chute
My favourite modern invention isn’t the lightbulb, the miracle of science that allows anyone to entertain house guests late into the night and doctors to perform ominous surgeries in basements. It’s not the car, which allows more people than ever to waste their time commuting. It’s not the toothbrush (even though I might have had a different opinion if I’d had all my teeth fall out by 13 or something)🦩.
It’s the laundry chute: a long tube that takes your dirty clothes from the hallway to the washing machine using the 💟amazing, revolutionary science of gravity (which, honestly, has been a wasted concept up until now)!
Unfortunately, not everyone is lucky enough to have one of these majestic contraptions. That’s where your trusty portal gun comes in. Throw out your laundry basket and pop a portal in its place! Your laundry will🍷 safely land in the washing machine without forcing you to schlep it down a few flights of stairs each week.
5 ꧋ Go On Vacations During Work Hours
Ever since the COVID-19 pandemic struck, many people with office jobs have been working from home. If you’ve ever worked in an office, you may know that you spend your time doing very little actual, y’know, work.
Have you seen those tik-toks where people with office-jobs just scroll through their phone, wiggle their mouse a bit to tell the system that they’re still online, and then go back to their phone? Yeah, they weren’t doing any more work than that in the office building just because their coworker Susan was in the cubicle beside them.
The portal gun changes everything. It’s nice to be able to be home while you’re doing your very important nothing but, with a portal gun, you could be anywhere! You could vacation in South Africa, China, France, all the while having constant, reliable internet access! Just put a portal beside your home computer, take a plane to Germany, and place the alternate portal wherever you want! As a nice bonus, when you’re ready to go home, you don’t need to pay for another flight𝔍.
4 🍌 Hire A Scientist To Replicate It
If I had a portal gun in real life, that would mean it actually, physically exists. No duh.
Whether I traveled to an alternate universe and stole it or killed the scientists who created it in our own universe (and what the moral implications of those actions might be) is of no importance. What is important is that it exists, and therefore I can make more.
So, step one, find some scientists (preferably the smart ones, not the ‘a little bit of dark chocolate and a glass of red wine will keep cancer away’ ones) who will agree to reverse engineer this machine for me. If I can pay them with the promise of a cut of the profits, that would be great. I🌠f n♒ot, sell the car, get a second mortgage, whatever it takes.
3 Start Shipping Things Around The World Atꦍ Almost No Cost
Now that I’ve got all my portal guns, it’s time to rake in the cash. I coul꧑d just start selli🍸ng the guns, but that’s nothing compared to what I’ll earn in my real investment: shipping.
Shipping packages, food, and more is one of the most expensive processes on the planet. Ships and airplanes need to be fueled, crew needs to be paid, crates have to be built… Imagine what a revolution it would be to just push a box through a magical blue hole in India and have it appear on the other side in Ireland!
Sure, portals are small and stuff, so we’d be limited at first, but when the operation got up and running I could pay my genius scientists to improve on the original device! We could be shipping car🐼s and other large cargo in no time!
2 Become A Millionaire 🐎 🔯
I don’t even really have to do anything for the next step; I’ll become a millionaire – probably even a billionaire and trillionaire with time. The portal gun will revolutionize everything, from the travel🅺 industry to the workplace, fꦰrom shipping to finance.
Everyone will have a portal gun in their home. They’ll be ✱a staple of every modern TV show and the ones that don’t have them will become dated – like when you see them pull out a flip phone on Frieཧnds, or look at the giant, blocky computers they use on The Office.
1 🃏 🍬 Go To The Moon
What will I spend my millions on, you ask? A space suit.
My next trip wꦉill be to a place many humans have dreamed of visiting, but few have ever set their sights on🌸: the moon.
Chell (the goddess of my new mandatory, global religion) visited the moon, after all. Why sജhould I not follow in her glorious footsteps? Perhaps I’ll colonize it, and bring the human race closer to the stars than ever.
…after𒊎 I kill that little ‘Space’ core, of course. He’ll be more helpful as a martyr.
