The meme is simple; you get to pick two groups of animals to defend you, and the rest will try to kill you. However, it has sparked – which ones are the right choices? I💃f only there was a way to properly categorize the abilities and health that each of these creatures possess. Well, what is for if not for 💝solving disputes with math? Here is the definitive guide for choosing your protectors.
50 Eagles
It’s hard to tell the scale of the meme, but let's assume these are regular eagles rather than giant eagles, which would change the answer drastically. The main advantages to the eagles are numbers and flight. Few of the options have ranged attacks, which means eagles can keep away from them. However, they don’t have ranged attacks either, which means every time they attack and fly away, their target can take an opportunity attack against them. The eagles can strategize and attack the same targ𝓰et – they only get one opportunity attack per turn – but that makes it harder for them to prevent other creatures from attacking you.
10 Alligators
There’s no a🌌lligator stat block, but the crocodile should be close enough. Ten crocodiles have the most total hit points of any of the predators. They also can grapple and restrain enemies with their attacks, which makes them excel at one on one combat. Unfortunately, with so many enemies, that isn’t the best strategy. However, they can be good option for taking down the lower-number animals.
3 Bears
Each bear has a hefty heath pool and a multiattack, which makes a them one of the better individual creatures on the list. However, these bears are limited by the fact that there’s only three of them. Even with two attacks per turn, that’s only a grand total of six attacks per round, which is outnumbered by everything except the lions ဣand the gunman. The good damage that their claws do just doesn’t make up for the lack of attacks.
7 Bulls
Cows have few hit points, a lackluster armor class, and one medium-damage gore attack. If they charge at their enemies they can get more damage, but they can only do that once per enemy before they’re in front of them and can’t charge 20 feet to hi𒀰t them.
1 Gunman
At first it seems difficult to figure out how to figure out a gun would translate to D&D. However, there are actually rules written for firearms in the Dungeon Master’s Guide. A hunting rifle deals 2d10 damag🎃e, and has a short range of 80 feet and a long range of 240 feet. This means that a gunman with a good vantage point could take 4 shots at approaching eagles (3 with disadvantage), 5 shots at approaching lions (4 with disadvantage), 6 shots at approaching bears (4 with 🌳disadvantage), and 8 shots at other animals (6 with disadvantage) before they reach him.
However, this is true in D&D for any person who picks up a hunting rifle. The assumption is that the gunman actually knows how to use a gun well, and that means they have player levels. The question is, how many? To figure this out, we can turn to Matt Mercer’s homebrew Gunslinger archetype for the fighter class, which was featured in Critical Role. Assuming the mini🥀mum level to be considered “good” with a gun is one level in this archetype, which means three levels in the fighter class. This can give the gunman proficiency w𒐪ith firearms, a fighting style that gives +2 to attacks with ranged weapons, one extra attack action from Action Surge, and a trick shot that gives advantage on a firearm attack.
15 Wolves
The main advantages the wolves have ♓is their numbers and their Pack Tactics ability. 15 wolves can easily take down something like four lions or three bears, since they can get advantage if multiple wolves attack one at once. However, when all the animals are added together, things get a little tougher for the wolves, since they have to have multiple wolves attack a single target at the same time, which makes things a lot harder if they’re outnumbered.
10,000 Rats
Rats have 1 hit point, do +0 to hit, and deal 1 damage. There are 10,000 of them though. If each rat only takes one turn and has a 40-50% chance to hit, depending on the AC of the target, they will do 4,000-5,000 damage on average. All the other animals (except the eagles, who the rats can’t hit) have a combined 761 hit points, and the gunman has the hit points of a 3rd-level fighter. The rats would wipe out everythꦚing but eagles in one turn.
This isn’t really fair, though. D&D has a different way of managing how they deal with larger numbers of rats. Rats form swarms, and each swarm makes a single attack, so these rats won’t be making 10,000 attaꦺcks at once. Since a swarm has 24 hit points, it can be assumed that it’s made up of 24 1 hp rats. This means that there are 416 swarms of rats, which with a +2 to hit and 2d6 attac♍k will do an average of 1,458-1,747 damage in one turn.
5 Gorillas
There is no gorilla stat block, but the stat block for ape works well. The ape can make a multiattack, using two fist attacks that deal alright damage. What sets them apart, however, is their ranged attack. Apes can throw rocks. The range is shorter than the gunman, with a short range of 25 and a long range o♐f 50, but there are five of them.
4 Lions
These are comparable to the bears, but🌺 with no multiattack and not enough numbers to capitalize off their Pack Tactics ability. Strictly worse than the bears, even with one more.
Conclusion
The rats are a given🌠; even in swa🌊rms they can take out every non-eagle target in a single turn. Either the gunman or the gorillas are good for fighting the eagles, but since neither can take them out before they reach you, the gorillas are better at tanking the eagles’ attacks. Or just pick the eagles and have them form a protective cloud so the gunman doesn't shoot you before being eaten by rats.