What a strange headline. Prepare for an even stranger article. I’ll start by explaining how this thought came to me, and the answer’s pretty s♓imple: Christmas. I’m not religious at all, but it annoys me that the true meaning has been lost between all the unnecessary plastic toys picked up in holiday sales and ready-to-be-landfilled wrapping paper sitting under the tree. That made me think about Jesus, and what he’d think were He to return, as is supposedly His plan, in 2024.
I think Jesus would be a Pokemon trainer. Or at least, I like to think He would be. Because, as well as thinking about the Bible on Christmas, I also 168澳洲幸运5开奖网:thought about Pokemon. My daughter received a Pokemon water bottle and pencil case on the day despite having never played the games (fake f🦄an) and the fact she can only name three Pokemon (Pikachu, Snorlax, and Gengar, with Chikorita springing to her mind with a little coercion).
Jesus, Pokemon. Pokemon, Jesus. My mind can’t comprehend two things separately without smashing them together into Frankenstein’s brainwave, however silly it may be. And now ꧒I have to get this lumbering, groaning thought out of my head before it consumes me completely and I chase it to the end of the earth. I also s🎃aw a screenshot of Misty using a crucifix to presumably exorcise a Gastly, which means Christianity is canon in the PokeWorld, or Kanto at least.
Jesus famously had 12 Pokemon, who He called disciples, and if you were to come up against the Actual Son of Arceus in a battle, you couldn’t really complain🍌 about him having double the standard number of monsters in his party. However, in the interests of fairness, brevity, and the fact that Pikachu could electrocute Matthew, Simon, and both Jameses with a single Thundershock, we’ll be giving him a team of six like the rest of us mere mortals.
Dubwool
This one’s easy. Jesus is the Lamb of God, so he should lead with a sheep Pokemon. But this reference goes deeper as, while 🅺he trained as a carpenter, he💎’s also revered as a shepherd to humanity. There are a few sheep Pokemon to choose from, notably the Mareep line, but Jesus strikes me as a man who appreciates a fine Wooloo. No shinies, no exciting types, just a regular, Normal-type sheep.
Wishiwashi
One of Jesus’ most🐼 famous miracles is feeding the 5,000. He made five loaves of bread and two fish into thousands of hearty meals. No, he’s not Nigella Lawson, he just had his Wishiwashi on hand to help. If those two fish were both Wishiwashi, they could have simply just unschooled themselves and revealed that they were many tiny fish in a trenchcoat after all, sacrificing themselves at the Lord’s altar to simulate a miracle and provide proof of his divinity.
Chansey
Jesus is also a healer. From Lazarus to Celidonius, he cured just about every ailment going. Nurse Joy would be j🍸ealous. It’s fitting then, that the most kindly Pokemon healer would join him on his journey through Kanto to lend a Helping Hand. As well as Healing Wish, Chansey’s moveset would be rounded out with Rock Smash and Strength, which naturally helped him escape the tomb after his crucifixion. It only took three days because Chansey was busy healing hi🍨s wounds first.
Pidgeot
Pidgeot might strike you as an odd one out on this list, but this is the only Pokemon named after Jesus himself. You see, the etymology of Pidge- no, I’m only messing. This is a reference to 168澳洲幸运5开奖网:Twitch Plays Pokemon, and the unassuming Pidgey who saved the run on many occasions and became know༺n as Bird Jesus. While the Name Rater officially christened Pidgeot aaabaaajss, Pidgey’s numerous feats are worthy of its namesake.
Whether it was beating Erika’s ace Bulbusaur with just 19 HP remaining and while paralyzed, or dodging five Stomps from Giovanni’s Rhydon to exact revenge and win the eighth Gym badge, Pidgeot came in clutch time and time again. Bird Jesus also performed the most selꦫfless act ever seen in a Pokemon playthrough, letting itself faint in order to hit Blue’s Blastoise with multiple Sand Attacks so that Zapdos could take it down. Zapdos itself has a religious nickname, being knownꦏ as Battery Jesus, John the Zaptist, the Archangel, and Anarchy Jesus at different points in the run.
Brambleghast
Brambleghast repre💎sents Jesus’ crown of thorns. While most trainers wouldn’t want to be reminded of that time they were murdered, I imagine Jesus knows that it wasn’t Brambleghast’s fault it was laid atop his bonce in his final moments. Turn the other cheek and all that.
Arceus
What else would Jesus’ ace be than a level 100 God Pokemon? Arceus probably wouldn’t travel around behind Jesus like the rest of his disciple Pokemon, instead descending from the skies when he needs it most. Just as Bird Jesus is taken down by Gholdengo Making It Rain pieces of ๊silver and you think you’ve pulled a Judas and beaten the son of God, the Legendary creator appears before you and obliterates every atom of your being with its righteous blast of Judgment. While Jesus preached peace, nothing stopped his PokeDad from a bit of Old Testament smiting.
That’s the team. It may not look like much, but anyone who’s played against stall knows how annoying Eviolite Chansey can be. But most important to this is how Jesus treats his Pokemon. They all roam free of their balls, a trail of monsters following in his wake. In fact, I don’t think he ever threw a ball at th🐻em to capture them, they just followed Him of their own accord (N woul🐓d be proud). He preaches to you as you battle, telling you to treat others how you wish to be treated, meaning that His stock of Hyper Potions and Full Restores matches exactly how many you use in the match. We already know that Jesus walks all over Water-types, but I think most teams would struggle against the son of God in a Pokemon battle. Sure, an Iron Hands beats His entire team barring Brambleghast, but Jesus would pull out some divine dogwater to save the day – maybe His Arceus is holding all the plates at once and can choose its typing at will as if it had sacred Protean or something.
You’re not beating Jesus in a Pokemon battle, sorry. Even if you did manage to make it past the first five members of His team, He might switch out to one of the runners up who nearly made the squad. Mega Absol, who resembles an angel; Fidough, who would partner Wishiwashi in double battles to represent the loaves; and Timburr, the only Pokemon 🌃that is conceivably a carpenter, could all join the team. And then you’ve got to battle Arceus.
