Jurassic Park may as well have been made for the toys. Who doesn’t love dinosaurs? They make the best action scenes, making me a fa🀅n for life. Twenty years from now, if there 🍎are still movie releases, I will still be in the theatre in awe of the dinosaurs. The plot is secondary; as long as there are awesome dinosaur fights...I am there.
Iܫmagine the glee of getting one of those dinosaur figures for Christmas. I’d want a giant T-rex to just go on a rampage against my other figurines outside. My parents would be like, “Calm down,” and I’ll just scream dinosaur noises and throw my toy t-rex into my cereal because he’s durable and hungry like that.
Howeve🎃r instead I get...a creature that’s like you started making a t-rex, changed your mind on how big it was going to be half𒁃way, and then gave up on the whole thing overall. I open the present on Christmas day holding a disproportionate t-rex that looks well...stupid. Its head is the size of its body and it bears no resemblance to the savage beast I awed at in the films.
Dinosaursꦕ and people can make incredibly stupid looking figures if done wrong. There are also some toy companies that think𒅌 that they need to make a toy less realistic if it’s for young kids, but instead of making something look innocent, they make an embarrassing abomination. There are also collectable toys I have a bone to pick with because I am full of opinions and the internet is merciless.
25 🐻 Dennis Nedry Figure ꦦ
This collectable figure is from the great year of 1993 and comes with a tranquilizer spray gun, gas mask, dino-d🌌amage arm, and dilophosaurus hatchling.
ꦚOne issue though: this looks nothing like Dennis Nedry!
Make this action figure fat you cowards.
Dennis, played by Wayne Knight, was fat in the movie and I’m actually offended that the makers made him skinny. Do they think fat people won’t sell? Also his outfit is completely d🤪ifferent. Why isn’t he wearing that raincoat he died in? Why are we making him look like a secret agent? That totally flips his bumbling and slightly cowardly personality that ended him in the first place.
This is not Dennis, the toy maker is a liar and a fraud. This🅘 is a bodyguard.
24 Tracking♛ the T-Rex
Some crazy people are trying to sell this abomination for more than 100 dollars on Ebay. Look at that man. That’s not a person! His feet and hands are larger than the rest of h🌳is whole body! He is definitely the worst part of this whole set. I don’t care that it’s for kids. If I was a kid, at any age, I would be disappointed in the adult world꧑ for thinking this is what I deserve.
I don’t think this should be a Jurassic Park brand item. If you are too afraid to make realistic Jurassic Park toys for kids, then maybe just don’t make Jurassic Park toys for kids.
Look at that t-rex, he’s straight out of a cartoon. Not Jurassic Park material.
23 V𒀰elocirapteryx
This little treasure is from the Jurassic Park: Chaos Effect toy line. Chaos Effect is a line of action figures produced by Kenner in 1998. The premise was that mad scientists merged various dinosaur DNA, resulting in colorful made-up dinosaꦺurs.
The Velocirapteryx was the most popular figure of this unpopular line.
But I don’t like it. No, I don’t like it because Chaos Effect just went ham on made-up dinosaurs, and they look like they came oꦉut of a rave. None of them exist which makes it feel more like fantasy than science fiction. Most of the beasts look absurd in their paint-jobs. I’ll give the Velocirapteryx that it’s the most realistic looking of the bunch but it’s still just the best of th💞e worst. The box boasts “flight capability.” I’m no biologist, but those wings are too small for flying.
22 🌺 Estemmenosuchus By Kenner ဣ
This is just not a cool looking dinosaur. Why would I want this when I could have a Velociraptor, T-Rex, or Brontosaurus? This is a ver🍎🃏y less-known dinosaur. I think the only trait it has going for it is the uniqueness.
I can’t even pronounce this one’s name.
One thing this and some other figures by Kenner have in common is “dino-damage” where you can take a piece of its skin off to show some muscle and bone. This is to create a wound when you make the dinosaurs fight🧔. I find this an all-around bad idea because the skin piece can easily get lost and you have a permanently wounded dinosaur. The toy has a single center front tooth which is distracting and unnecessary for an estemmenosuchus anyway.
21 ༺ Indominus Rex
A lot of fans just have a problem with this dinosaur period. As if dinosaurs were not cool enough on their own, we had to make crazy hybrids in Jurassic World that just are not necessary t⛦o make a 🍸film good or a dinosaur cool.
This dinosaur is the whopping combination of a tree-frog, pit-viper, cuttlefish🍒, Giganotosaurus, Majungasaurus, T-Rex, Velociraptor, Therizinosaurus, Rugops, and a bunch ꦑof other random animals. It sounds so ridiculous; I can just imagine the writer rolling dice to figure out each species to put in this monster.
It looks nice on screen if you don’t think about its crazy DNA and abilities. It’s like something two kids would ♛come up with just to one-up each other.
“Oh yeah?! Well my dinosaur is as big as a Giganotosaurus and as smart as a Veloci൲raptor. He can camouflage too because he’s part tree-frog. HA.”
20 𝄹 Brawlasau💎rs
These cheap looking little nippers really ruin the Jurassic immersion꧒ for me. They look small and cheaply made. Like my mother could step on one and it’ll break. Or a kid will throw it and it’llဣ break. Or a dog will shatter it in his jaws.
I’m fine with toys being made out of plastic, but that🦂 doesn’t mean that have to look this much like plastic. Their gimmick is that they are toys that fight each other by winding th𝄹eir tail. Who needs that?
What happened to just beating toys against each other?
In an attempt to get this stuff to sell, each figure came with a feature that has a code that is used to unlock an animal in Jurassic World: The Game.
19 🍌 Playskool Hero⛦es T-Rex
It’s almost like just because something has a dinosaur in it, we can brand it as Jurassic World material to get it to sell. Who is that man? No one cares, there’s a dinosaur in it so I guess its Jurassic World related.
The product says it’s for ages 3 to 7, how many children in that age range actually watched any of the Jurassic Park series? I love how they’ve even twisted the famous Jurassic Park t-rex skeleton icon to look more child-friendly.
Congratulations, now it just looks like Yoshi from Mario’s skeleton.
I hate the “human’s” giant hands and feet. The t-rex isn’t so bad I guess. At leasඣt you can ope𓆏n its jaws and it looks mad. It’s probably mad about its own design.
18 🅠 Hero Mashers ♑
It’s a Make-Your-Own-Abomination kit!
Apparently this idea to mix and match parts of a whole was a trend for a lot of toy makers and someone decided to spread its disease to Jurassic World. This craze was a part of Ninja Turtles, Power Rangers, and Marvel figures for a while.
I know this is again for kids, but the bright colors make my adult eyes bleed. Dinosaurs are not supposed to be bright! Mix and matching their parts with other dinosaurs make it worse because then the colors don’t match either. The bright colors suggest this is for very little kids, but the little pieces also sug✨gest a choking hazard. You fools!
Thiꦉs again b🅷rings up the important concern of losing pieces too. What if I just lose this dinosaurs head in my yard or car?
17 🔯 🐭 Baby T-Rex
God help this poor creature. I don’t know if it’s normal cute or so stupid that I feel a maternal need to protect it from its 🎃own stupid. Its eyes look like it knows something horrifying ♊that it isn’t allowed to share.
I think part of this thing’s unsettling appearance is the combination of plush, plastic, and electronic material🐠s that we can thank for its creation. Apparently they invite you to stick your finger in its mouth because to buy this you must have the level of trust of a Labrador.
I wouldn’t want this on my shelf watching me at night. Also this hatchl🌠ing makes “dino-movements.” What exactly does that mean? I bet all it does it make very loud electronic noises while it’s head turns ever so slightly to look at ꦯthe world with its dead fish eyes.
16 ♔ Compstegnathus 🌠
This fake creature is from the Chaos Effect toy line, that magical place where everything was overdone with ridiculous hybrids and colors. To get into specifics, tꦅhe compstegna🐷thus is a hybrid between a Compsognathus, a Stegosaurus and an African tree frog.
It looks like a robot dinosaur for a Batman movie.
This had to be on the list because according to Jurassic-pedia, “The concept of mutated dinosaurs evidently didn’t flow too well with scores of Jurassic Park fans. Unlike Kenner’s other releases, which received rave reviews, this line was, and generally still is, considered to be a failure. As testimony to the toyline's vast unpopularity, the Chaos Effect paintjobs were voted to be the ugliest of all existing Jurassic Park toylines.”
A number of toys from this series are very rare n🌺ow du🌼e to how much they sucked, which is hilarious.